Passenger Seat

Autopilot.... My life feels like it is continuing to move and I am in the passenger seat praying that I don't get hit and hoping I can just coast. It's that checked out feeling and being aware of it but not knowing if you really want to be in the driver seat because you may end up just crashing. It's difficult knowing which one is better right now and maybe it's about recognizing that whether you're the passenger or the driver if you get in an accident you get hurt regardless. 
    It's interesting how tricky our brain can be about giving us a false sense of hope and to be quite honest, I am surprised my brain still seeks out hope. I heard once that "hope is a discipline" and I'm not sure I have that discipline right now. It's confusing and there's a lot of uncertainty right now in this unpredictable world, fear based motives and personal turmoil as humans. It makes sense why our world is the way it is we are all unsure and living in fear in one way or another. I think fear is unavoidable and the struggle I face with fear is not feeling safe. I wonder if it's the safety piece I am missing and because of this maybe it is safer for me to be in the passenger seat. 
    I have felt unsafe for most of my life and I learned a few years back that I use rules, values and guidelines to keep me feeling safe. That's why I struggle to break the "rules"and to let my hair down because I don't know if I will be safe. I stay safe so I can trust and rely on myself because that's often what I needed to be stable throughout my life. Rules were broken, boundaries didn't exist and being responsible was an option while I was growing up. Because of this I had to create my own rules to keep me safe. 
    For now I will get nice and cozy in the passenger seat until I feel safe enough to take the driver's seat.