Love him first, ALWAYS

As I recently heard Elder Oak’s talk my heart broke for the LGBTQ community and I felt that I should finally share this post that I have kept in my drafts for over 2 years!!! I was scared, to be honest, and not ready to hear people’s opinions or upset people who I love dearly. But I am ready now and I know a lot of you won’t understand but I also know a lot of you will. One of the many things I love about people is the power we have to help and connect with one another. I have faith that humans can find similarities rather than the differences and love each other regardless.

Four years ago I was sitting on my bed and received a text from my little brother that I was not prepared for... "Guess what, I think I might be bi." I replied in fear and said words that hurt him and hurt me. I didn't understand, I was so confused and couldn't understand why he would tell me when he had a  girlfriend. Why would he even consider this? Why would he CHOOSE this? I lost it! I was so scared for him and all that came with that lifestyle.... 

A few days later I had an appointment with a therapist and I just blurted out with tears in my eyes, "My brother said he is bi!" He looked at me and calmly said, "Meagan, why does this make you sad?" At that point I didn't know what to say except, "Well the lifestyle... People will hurt him."

The therapist replied,"This world is becoming kinder towards this community and he will be okay, is there something else that is bothering you about this?" He knew and I knew there was more to my concern and finally, I said it out loud, "It's my religion, we, well they, don't believe in that lifestyle." He shook his head and said,"Remember to love him first, always." 

The journey began of loving my brother and somehow continuing my faith in the LDS church. I prayed, I reached out to people, I read articles, I talked to my brother, I talked to his girlfriend and found some peace through the year. I showed my love and the more I learned the better I did. Life continued on while Mason and his girlfriend dated and we kept it a secret from the family. 

A year later my little brother told my mom and for some reason it was a sense of pain again because the more people he told the more real it became.  I selfishly didn't want him to tell anyone because I was worried how others would take it. I was scared for him but he couldn't keep it from my mom any longer. I understood and continued the journey of understanding, with my mom. It was difficult and we hoped that he would just continue to be with his girlfriend and not explore this other side of him. It was selfish but it was our truth at that point in our journey. We just wanted everything to be the same. 

Mason decided he wanted to move to L.A and my fear grew bigger, California was more accepting of this and maybe this will be the time for him to explore with men. Thoughts raced through my head and worries hit me often, "What if he does date a guy? What would I do? How would I deal with it?" But more importantly I also wondered how would I live day to day with my best friend living in California. 

He moved and I helped and I cried and cried because I was not ready to let him go.. I wasn't ready for him to face this big world alone. But he did it and did it better than I ever could. His courage and determination set him apart from others who would have come home. Mason is happy there and has truly found himself and found his passion. 

After four long years, I can confidently say I have found peace and I genuinely do not care if he ends up with a boy or girl. I don't mind as long as he is happy. I have seen him with both and I have loved both of them. However, the more time that went on the harder it was to find that balance of being a member of the LDS church and supporting my brother 100%. When I heard about the policy of  children not being able to be baptized if their parents were gay and I just COULD NOT MAKE SENSE OF IT! I was completely conflicted and I STRUGGLED.  I kept hoping it was a rumor or a lie or some sick joke but it wasn’t.. I was at school the next day after the news hit and my professor who is also a therapist that specializes in the LGBTQ community had her phone ringing off the hook. With tears in her eyes she reported that there had been several successful suicides in the young Mormon LGBTQ community. A room full of students who were going to school to learn how to help people felt helpless and began to cry.... It was powerful and it was painful and all I could do was think of Mason. 

I tried and tried to align my head with my heart but it wouldn’t. I couldn’t support the church’s stance because it would mean I couldn’t support possible future nephews and/or nieces not being baptized or blessed. I just won’t and I can’t because I choose Mason and will always choose Mason. I am not suggesting that you can’t support loved ones if you are a member of the church at all so please do not let that be the take a way from this. What I am saying is that you can and support LGBTQ community and learn to understand rather than condemn. 

I have learned that Mason didn't choose this and I learned that he is still the same brother that also happens to be my best friend. If I could tell someone who was in my place or is going through this right now,  I would tell them to have patience, educate yourself and continue to talk about it with an open mind and heart. Understand that the more we open up about this the more we can help others.We need to be a lot more patient, a lot more loving and a lot more welcoming.

Mason felt relief once it was out and I felt fear, but through tears and many long talks and patience I have finally found peace. He finally gets to speak his truth and not hide and I get to stand by his side cheering him on. 

I love him first, ALWAYS!