My Shadow

As I write this post, I realized that I have never really been open about this topic before and interesting enough it’s the most consistent thing in my life. It’s the lame word that everyone has attached their own meaning to and will quickly judge you or they will empathize with you when it’s being talked about... I have learned that I can be okay with either response, with a lot of "inside" work and learning I am okay even if others do not understand. 

When I was around 21 years old there were HUGE changes in my life with being a newly wed, moving and a new job. If anyone really knows me, they know how much I hate change and everything was changing at that point in my life. As the months went on I noticed myself declining but I wasn’t aware or educated enough on why I was feeling so down.  I literally forced myself into being sick so that I could be home and alone instead of going to work or out with friends. I legitimately had some health issues such as migraines, dizzy spells, and anemia but rather than finding a solution, I would just use my sickness as an excuse so that I could stay home. What I know now is I was 100% depressed and I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn’t figure out how to get out of. 

After awhile my mom was concerned and brought it to my attention and asked me to consider antidepressants. I was really apprehensive because of the stigma and the meaning I placed on depression and having to take medicine for it. However, I was getting desperate and decided to see a doctor at 22 years old and the long mental health journey began. I tried SEVERAL medications and some would work and then a year or two later it would stop working  and I would have to start all over again. It’s exhausting and it can be really discouraging at times because I just wanted to feel better but it was a struggle to do so.

As I got older I began to have major anxiety, to the point where I literally passed out from being so anxious. I had never had anxiety before but boy did it hit me HARD! It was so frustrating because I was so depressed but anxious all at the same time and I struggled to keep things in check. But I TRIED really hard to hide it from people and pretend everything was great and that I was happy and "put together." Unfortunately, I was lonely, so scared and completely empty. I look back at that time in my life and I just want to hug that scared 23-26 year old girl. 

After I had Jagger I had MAJOR postpartum and I did not want to see anyone, go anywhere and did not even want to hold Jagger. I remember one night specifically when Jag was crying and I was staring at the wall and Parker walked in and asked what I was doing... I couldn’t even answer and he took Jagger from me and he went to dinner with his mom. In that moment I felt so alone and so sad and guilty that I felt this way when I just had the most beautiful and healthy baby. It didn’t make sense and I finally decided to go back on antidepressants. 

The past three years have been the HARDEST and ugliest years of my life. My heart pounds when I think of everything that has happened and is continuing to happen to this day. I still of course struggle with depression and anxiety but then you add everything else going on in my life and sometimes it’s TOO MUCH. Although the years have been so painful, I have learned a lot about myself and who I am. I have learned to accept that I struggle with depression and anxiety and that I might have to take meds for the rest of my life. BUT I do not have to be a victim to it. I still get to choose how I want to live my life and how I want to show up. Are there days where I need to be alone and cancel plans? Absolutely! But there are also days where I push through to try and be the best version of me. 

I guess the purpose of this post is to be vulnerable enough to share that it’s okay to talk about mental health issues. That it’s okay to feel sad and alone but when months and months go by, it’s a good idea to be evaluated and to see your physician and talk to a professional. It’s okay to be on medication and to go to therapy and in fact, I believe EVERYONE should go to therapy. Remember It’s okay to cancel plans and be honest with your loved ones why and what you are feeling. The best part is if they really do love you they will try or will understand and ask how they can help. I have been guilty of pretending everything was okay when I was actually suffering inside and it ended up making me feel guilty and even feeling worse and I missed out on a connection. Don’t do that to yourself, get help and talk about it, you don’t even have to understand it to talk about it. Just be honest and vulnerable with those you trust and it will create a connection.

Depression sucks and I can’t begin to tell you how many times in my life I thought to myself, "I wonder what it would feel like to just be normal and not have depression as my shadow?" I can wonder all day but the truth is I have depression and there are days where I HAVE to be alone, ignore the phone calls and texts and do nothing but I also know I can’t do it every day. I have learned over the years that I HAVE to be really consistent with self-care. Some ways I do this is; exercise, meditation, journaling, positive self-talk and talking to people I trust and being kind to myself. 

So there it is! That’s how depression has shown up in my life and it will continue to but I am NOT it’s victim! I am in control of my actions, thoughts, and self-talk. And at the end of the day, I am okay!