T•H•I•R•T•Y

I am two days away from turning thirty years old and I can’t help but feel incomplete. I remember when I was in my early 20s and thinking "By 30 I will have my stuff together." Whenever I thought of my 30 year self, I thought of being a successful therapist, mom of two, happily married, traveling and possibly be a public and/or a motivational speaker. I didn’t ask for much but even the simple things that I thought would be obtainable is far from my reach at this point. I know, I know, trust me I know, that life is unpredictable and you can’t plan your life around the unexpected, but I guess I thought things would be different. I can’t help but think of a line from the show Shameless when Lip said, "I just need someone to say screw (keeping it PG) it. This kid deserves a chance." I just needed a chance to choose me instead of choosing others, say no when I said yes, trust the process rather than resisting, trying to control the uncontrollable, and again choose me because I matter more.

I remember my grandma telling me that if I learn a lesson I wouldn’t have to learn it again. Unfortunately, I missed the lesson two years ago when my life fell a part and it’s almost parallel to where I am at today, it’s uncanny and IT’S not a coincidence. The lessons I had to go through again  is; staying loyal to the wrong people, betraying myself over and over again and ignoring all of the warning signs. I had hopes that "things would be different" but they weren’t and it was almost worse because I knew things weren’t going to change. It’s the hardest lesson to learn that sometimes you have to let go of people that you never really had in the first place. I learned the lesson though and it crushed me this time. I lost parts of myself that I didn’t think I would lose, my hope and purpose. 

I once read "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation." Elizabeth Gilbert. The timing is actually pretty magical because everything is "ruined" and I get to transform my life as I enter my thirties. I get to choose me because I am worthy of a good life, loving relationships and success. I know the red flags and I know when to say no even though my first answer would be yes. I am blessed to have the opportunity to transform my life and create a life that is mine.

 So here we go! Bring on 30!



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