Throughout my entire life, the most consistent feedback that is given to me by various sources is, "Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re a human!" I never really took the time to reflect on what this meant. Honestly, I was more annoyed than anything because how unhelpful was that "snide" comment when I need to keep the balancing act up rather than be told what species I am? People just didn’t get it. But the truth is... I didn’t get it. Sometimes I still don’t get it.  I am human but I act as if I am "superhuman" that I can handle everything that comes my way and takes on more than I should. I push myself way too hard and way too far. I stay too long and I am loyal to a fault. I have learned this is actually a great job interview answer when they ask, "What is one of your weaknesses? Clever right?! You’re welcome.  As I have reflected about being a human, I realized this actually goes a lot deeper for me. I feel like I have to be "perfect" i...

 Sometimes I worry that I will forget the little things about Jagger when he is so young and happy.. The last year it feels more like surviving than living and forget about "thriving." When I do that I tend to go onto autopilot and miss the small moments that end up being the big moments.  I don’t want to forget that he twirls his hair or mine when he is sleepy or wants comfort. . Jagger will pucker his lips when he wants a kiss, loves hugs and holding my hand. I love how he loves me and makes sure I am taken care of tells me I am beautiful and to not put my hair up or makeup on. He has the biggest heart and his teacher said, "He has too big of a heart for that little of a body." I don’t think he will really ever grow into his big heart, I think it will always be bigger than his body.  I love how he loves our dogs and calls Zen, "Zenny boo-boo" and how he whispers in their ears that he loves them. He totally gets humor and understands sarcasm and will teas...

I am two days away from turning thirty years old and I can’t help but feel incomplete. I remember when I was in my early 20s and thinking "By 30 I will have my stuff together." Whenever I thought of my 30 year self, I thought of being a successful therapist, mom of two, happily married, traveling and possibly be a public and/or a motivational speaker. I didn’t ask for much but even the simple things that I thought would be obtainable is far from my reach at this point. I know, I know, trust me I know, that life is unpredictable and you can’t plan your life around the unexpected, but I guess I thought things would be different. I can’t help but think of a line from the show Shameless when Lip said, "I just need someone to say screw (keeping it PG) it. This kid deserves a chance." I just needed a chance to choose me instead of choosing others, say no when I said yes, trust the process rather than resisting, trying to control the uncontrollable, and again choose me bec...

As I write this post, I realized that I have never really been open about this topic before and interesting enough it’s the most consistent thing in my life. It’s the lame word that everyone has attached their own meaning to and will quickly judge you or they will empathize with you when it’s being talked about... I have learned that I can be okay with either response, with a lot of "inside" work and learning I am okay even if others do not understand.  When I was around 21 years old there were HUGE changes in my life with being a newly wed, moving and a new job. If anyone really knows me, they know how much I hate change and everything was changing at that point in my life. As the months went on I noticed myself declining but I wasn’t aware or educated enough on why I was feeling so down.  I literally forced myself into being sick so that I could be home and alone instead of going to work or out with friends. I legitimately had some health issues such as migraines, dizzy spe...

This year is coming to a close and although it’s been my biggest year of growth because of new trials and challenges I have faced, the only thing I continue to feel is gratitude for 2017. This year I am closer to the person I want to be than ever before. Authentic, flawed, honest, letting go of being a perfectionist and learning to truly love unconditionally. I have become closer because this year I have had to humble myself more times than I can count.  2017 began where obviously 2016 left off and it was ROUGH and painful and any other negative word that you would like to add, {please insert here.} I could easily go into details of all the trials I faced in 2016 but some of them are still a challenge to this day. Regardless of all the challenges I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make 2017 look different for me and that’s exactly what I did.  I found the most challenging but rewarding job at Steps Recovery Center day treatment. I was blessed with such a f...

As I have gone back to work full time I often wonder what I miss with Jagger during those 6-10 hour days. The days used to be our special time to learn, go on adventures and just spend time with one another. Now we try to cram those special moments at night and on the weekends. It's so difficult to be away from him but I am full of gratitude that our bond has stayed intact and that he is so well taken care of by my mom and Jeff.  I feel like I need to document the small things about Jagger because eventually those will be the big things as I look back on them. I love this quote and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my babe... “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” Jagger is such a social butterfly and has no fear of being himself and showing himself to the world. How I admire this and hope he will keep this confidence through out his life. He smiles and says "Hi" to everyone he comes in contact with and truly i...